Struggling
Posted by Nic on October 27, 2009
I’ve been struggling the last few days. Struggling with depression, and anxiety, and just this inner feeling that I am not good enough. For anything.
I don’t know that this is the place to process that, if people who read my blog are at all interested in ramblings on my mental health (or lack thereof), but, hey, it’s my blog, damnit, and I’ll post what I want. 
It’s primarily been my anxiety that has been bothering me. I find myself getting sorta worked up about nearly anything. For example, my wife was sleeping one evening, because she wasn’t feeling well, and I had a near panic attack, because I didn’t know what to do with myself. I think this is related to my past abusive experience, because my abuser would get angry with me if I didn’t do what she wanted if she was asleep. She didn’t like me doing anything that distracted me from 100% focus on…HER.
And so I was worried that while S was asleep, I would do the wrong thing. I would entertain myself and she would be angry because I wasn’t staying focused on her. Which is really weird, because she doesn’t care what I do when she’s in bed with a migraine, as long as it isn’t so loud that I’m keeping her up or something–this would be pretty much the opposite of something she would get upset about.
But me, in my own inimitable fashion, got myself all worked up and in a tizzy, so that I was crying nonstop, and basically wanting to die.
The wanting to die, of course, was related to wondering WHAT THE FUCK was wrong with myself. I was so angry and frustrated with myself for not being able to know what to do with myself while my partner slept. I promise, my partner has taken naps before without me having a meltdown. But Saturday night? It wasn’t happening. I was hysterical, I was crying, and suddenly, I was suicidal, because I was furious with myself for behaving like an insane person.
Things have calmed since then. My wife is fortunately sane enough to recognize that this was not the end of the world, despite my effort to convince her otherwise. We’ve cuddled and hugged and talked about it. And agreed that I need to resume my journaling, my work in my CBT book, and work on de-escalating myself when I start to get worked up.
I have to use my coping skills. I need to identify them clearly, and practice them regularly. Because, quite frankly, I don’t want to feel this way again.
Nick said
Loads of hugs Nic. I sympathise totally. Hope thing calm down for you this week. Thank you for sharing.
pippin said
i sympathise with you nic. i’ve been going through a lot of changes in my life lately, for the good really; however, change can be hard to deal with sometimes. for myself, it has brought on so much anxiety and bouts of depression and even suicidal thoughts. it’s scary and frustrating and i don’t quite understand it; but like you, i’m very lucky to have a supportive, patient and understanding partner and a small network of friends who care. so, do find those things that will help you cope and remember that you do have people who care about you. sometimes, i forget that myself and reading this post has reminded me of that; so, thank you. sending you lots of hugs.
Nic said
Thanks so much to both of you. I felt a little uncertain about processing that here, but it’s great to hear that you two can understand it, and don’t think I’m crazy (well, not any crazier than you at least!).
((((((hugs back))))))
JigsawAnalogy said
oh, nic, i’m sorry to read about how difficult it was for you on saturday.
i wish i had known, because you were such a support for me the friday and saturday before last, and i would be absolutely glad to do the same for you. you probably realize that i have a whole lot of the same feelings, but i’m sufficiently sane that if someone *else* is having those feelings, i am able to see that it’s not their fault, and that just because someone is coping with anxiety or depression, it doesn’t make them a bad person. can’t see it for myself, but i can definitely see it for others.
i also want to say that my experience on my blog has been that there are enough people who are really grateful for my blog, messy and filled with non-exciting real life as it is, that it’s worth it to do the processing. seriously.
Nic said
Thanks, JA. You know, you kinda inspired this post, simply by saying you were glad you weren’t the only one who wasn’t a perfect bottom, or something along those lines. It made me realize that I don’t do a lot of processing where others can see it, and that, just maybe, I’m denying myself a bit of the support I could otherwise get by doing that.
I’m working on using my coping skills (as my blog indicates) and I think reaching out to ppl around me is one good way of doing that.
Thank you, as always, for your support. It means a lot.
redbottomedgirl said
Process whatever you want, you’re right, it is your blog, your outlet. I’m sorry things have been so hard..please don’t forget that you are never alone. You are a bright and special person, Nic. These seas can be rough and hard to navigate, but you are NEVER alone. When you feel as if you are drowning, find your friends, your support people. This life is tough, for sure. I believe people make all the difference for each other. You can always contact me, I will try to get back to you quickly. I have been there myself, so close to ending it.
I hope you remember this..Your spirit is strong. You will not drown, though I know it feels that way, and it is a terrible, awful thing to feel. The sea will not devour you, though. Rather, with time, you will conquer the sea. Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it. Much love, Celine