Sorry, but that’s the most accurate (if not particularly descriptive) word for the caning I just got (about 5 minutes ago).
So, the caning was mainly for being on tumblr basically all night at work yesterday. And also because I’m owed a caning for general behavior over the last couple of weeks that has been put off with company in town and such.
Sara basically stopped after the first two strokes and had me go check the welts in the mirror, b/c the cane was leaving some SERIOUS (for us) marks, and it wasn’t like she was hitting harder than usual. After we both took a couple minutes to reassess, we decided to go ahead and continue, since we were surprised by the marks, but they weren’t outside of our limits (we really aren’t okay with breaking skin, but we are okay with some welts, light bruising).
I don’t know if my ass has just gotten all tender from not being punished the last few weeks or WHAT, but that caning hurt like hell. Sara was very nice, stopping to rub and telling me I was doing a good job, but I still hit that wall where I just did. Not. Want. Any. More. And I got through that wall. I think that’s part of why I like discipline being a part of our d/s so much. Because it is one of those things that shows me undeniably that Sara is in charge. That I do NOT like what is happening, and it isn’t my choice.
I was almost in tears by the end. And Sara held me, and stroked me, and told me softly that if my behavior didn’t change, I’d be right back here, against the wall, waiting for a caning, with a far more annoyed wife to deal with.
Sometimes, life is really good, you know?
So, it has been a long time since I’ve updated this blog, but we have stepped up TTWD this last month or so, and I wanted to write about it.
I guess it was actually a couple months ago now that S and I had a talk about D/s and what we both want out of it, and how we think we should get that. We both agreed that I do too much bratting, which is something neither of us wants. Instead of me straining at the end of my (figurative) leash to see how much I can get away with, we want me trying to please, becoming more skilled at submission and by extension, having my behavioral standards raised, which will actually help me not brat as much, I think.
We call this early stage Basic Obedience. It helps both of us to think of me like a pup (though we don’t do puppy play), who needs to learn basic obedience right now, before graduating to Agility Training. This helps me (and sometimes her) remember that when I make mistakes, I’m still in training, and we both need to improve my training and consistency. I’ve invited her to “train” me to be the submissive SHE wants, that this isn’t just about me getting spankings and dominance to help me feel safe/sexy/whatever.
She has taken that invitation rather well.
We also got a few dowel rod things, that we’ve been using as canes. First, I want to disclaimer, and point out that these are not ideal as canes. They can (so I’ve read) splinter, break easily, and lack the flexibility of a true cane. I think they probably also lack the density of a quality cane. That being said, I’ve had multiple canings with these since we implemented our new routine, and so far for us, they have worked great. The thicker one is for when my Wife is most displeased with me. I can barely handle it. It’s a lot of thud and I hate it.
The thin one, which until today I would have said I liked, is it’s own nightmare. It is all whippy and sting-y, which I normally can’t stand in an implement (ping pong paddles and The Whippy Thing are NOT my friends), but I like it better than the heavier rod for some reason. It stings like hell but I can make myself stay there and take it.
Today, she really laid into me with that thin cane. I haven’t been punished in a week or so, which is about the longest I’ve gone without punishment since we started the new training regiment. And it wasn’t because I hadn’t earned it, it was really b/c one or the other of us hasn’t been feeling well. So, today, I got 9 strokes with the heavier cane for not taking my medication regularly like I’m supposed to (OW. Though it was one stroke less than it would have been b/c I was helpful about pausing the movie. Go me). Then 10 with the thin one for my recent being a “mouthy shit” (always said with love) and general poor attitude. The last 5 nearly had me in tears. Lucking my Wife was very patient, stroking me, telling me I could do it, and reminding me it was supposed to hurt. She actually hit hard enough to leave welts, that rose up very quickly, which she seldom does!
In honor of that, we agreed to take a pic and post it here. 🙂
Okay, so first, apologies for no updates in…well, almost 2 years.
Update: I got a great job working for the state, investigating allegations of child abuse. Then a kid on my caseload died, and the job became more of a nightmare. Then I got a supervisor from hell and the job became an actual nightmare. Then I got fired.
Now I am unemployed, and I spent the last week going through withdrawal symptoms bc I had to stop taking my anti-depressants cold turkey.
Seriously, it has been a rough year.
But for all that, I’m in a damn good mood today. I had a job interview that I kicked ass at today and I have another one scheduled for Thursday. Unemployment gives us enough money that I can be a little choosey and wait for a job where I make as much as I did before.
I went for a bike rode today for the first time in 15 years, and I am sore as hell. My wife is in school and happier than I’ve ever known her to be. And since I’m not on anti-depressants, I find myself wanting to write again.
I don’t know what next week will bring. But I’m looking forward to it, and I figure that’s saying something.
I’ve been struggling the last few days. Struggling with depression, and anxiety, and just this inner feeling that I am not good enough. For anything.
I don’t know that this is the place to process that, if people who read my blog are at all interested in ramblings on my mental health (or lack thereof), but, hey, it’s my blog, damnit, and I’ll post what I want. 🙂
It’s primarily been my anxiety that has been bothering me. I find myself getting sorta worked up about nearly anything. For example, my wife was sleeping one evening, because she wasn’t feeling well, and I had a near panic attack, because I didn’t know what to do with myself. I think this is related to my past abusive experience, because my abuser would get angry with me if I didn’t do what she wanted if she was asleep. She didn’t like me doing anything that distracted me from 100% focus on…HER.
And so I was worried that while S was asleep, I would do the wrong thing. I would entertain myself and she would be angry because I wasn’t staying focused on her. Which is really weird, because she doesn’t care what I do when she’s in bed with a migraine, as long as it isn’t so loud that I’m keeping her up or something–this would be pretty much the opposite of something she would get upset about.
But me, in my own inimitable fashion, got myself all worked up and in a tizzy, so that I was crying nonstop, and basically wanting to die.
The wanting to die, of course, was related to wondering WHAT THE FUCK was wrong with myself. I was so angry and frustrated with myself for not being able to know what to do with myself while my partner slept. I promise, my partner has taken naps before without me having a meltdown. But Saturday night? It wasn’t happening. I was hysterical, I was crying, and suddenly, I was suicidal, because I was furious with myself for behaving like an insane person.
Things have calmed since then. My wife is fortunately sane enough to recognize that this was not the end of the world, despite my effort to convince her otherwise. We’ve cuddled and hugged and talked about it. And agreed that I need to resume my journaling, my work in my CBT book, and work on de-escalating myself when I start to get worked up.
I have to use my coping skills. I need to identify them clearly, and practice them regularly. Because, quite frankly, I don’t want to feel this way again.